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Very Funny Quotes Biography

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Colonel Sanders

There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

Roseanne Barr

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

W.C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Milton Berle

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

George Gobal

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Voltaire

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Oscar Wilde

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

Ellen DeGeneres

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

“The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it.”

― Criss Jami

tags: achievement, arrogance, arrogant, boasting, bragging, challenges, ego, egotistical, envy, fame, funny, funny-but-true, humble, humility, humor, jealousy, money, rich, silence, success, wealth, words-of-wisdom 298 likes like

Criss Jami

“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”

― Criss Jami

tags: funny, funny-but-true, hell, humor, introversion, introvert, introverts, parties, party, partying, people, saints, social, socializing 236 likes like

Criss Jami

“When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.”

― Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality

tags: abnormal, appearance, artist, asleep, being-different, bore, boredom, boring, brain, clever, conscious, craziness, crazy, creativity, derangement, different, funny, funny-but-true, genius, humanity, humor, individual, individuality, insane, insanity, intelligence, majority, mental-derangement, mentality, mind, minority, misunderstood, normal, odd, oddity, original, originality, outcast, people, popular, popularity, sane, sanity, sleep, society, strange, unconscious, unique, uniqueness, unpopular, unpopularity, weird, wisdom, witty, world 130 likes like

Charles M. Schulz

“Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer.”

― Charles M. Schulz

tags: advice-for-daily-living, funny-but-true 118 likes like

Criss Jami

“I don't pretend to know everything; I just only speak on matters I know I'll win.”

― Criss Jami

tags: argue, arguing, argumentation, arrogance, arrogance-and-attitude, arrogant, attitude, babble, babbling, certain, certainty, clever, cockiness, confidence, confident, consider, consideration, control, conversation, debate, debating, evangelism, evangelist, evidence, extroversion, extrovert, facts, freedom-of-thought, funny, funny-but-true, honest, honesty, humble, humility, humor, introversion, introvert, keep, keeping, keeping-promises, know, know-it-all, know-it-alls, knowing, knowledge, liar, lie, lying, matters, misunderstanding, misunderstood, no-response, not-knowing, not-knowing-how-to-respond, not-responding, opinions, philosopher, philosophy, politics, pretending, pride, prideful, pridefulness, promise, promises, promising, proof, prudence, prudent, public, public-speaking, reconsider, reconsideration, reputation, respond, responding, response, science, security, self-control, silence, silent, sincerity, speak, speaking, speech, subjects, sure, talk, talking, theologian, theology, think, think-before-speak, think-before-you-speak, thinking, thought, topics, truth, uncertainty, understanding, understood, winning, wisdom, wise, witty 96 likes like

Criss Jami

“I imagine that the intelligent people are the ones so intelligent that they don't even need or want to look 'intelligent' anymore.”

― Criss Jami

tags: above, above-and-beyond, assurance, below, beyond, certainty, clever, comprehension, confidence, funny, funny-but-true, genius, humble, humility, humor, imagination, imagine, intelligence, knowledge, philosophy, pretentious, pretentiousness, rebellious, self-assurance, sense, sense-of-humor, serious, seriously, seriousness, simplicity, somber, somberly, somberness, status-quo, theory, understanding, unpredictable, vanity, within, witty 85 likes like

Criss Jami

“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”

― Criss Jami

tags: be-yourself, being-yourself, clever, differences, everyone, funny, funny-but-true, humor, ignorance, jokes, laughter, opinions, sense-of-humor, similarities, stupidity, witty 80 likes like

Criss Jami

“There are two circumstances that lead to arrogance: one is when you're wrong and you can't face it; the other is when you're right and nobody else can face it.”

― Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality

tags: arrogance, arrogant, circumstances, cockiness, cognition, complex, confidence, conviction, correct, defense, defense-mechanism, discern, discerning, discernment, ego, egotism, egotist, egotistical, egotists, exceptions, face, fair, fairness, forgiveness, funny, funny-but-true, haters, honesty, humble, humility, humor, inferiority, inferiority-complex, judge, judging, judgment, justification, majority, mentality, minority, misunderstood, offense, people, philosophy, pride, prideful, pridefulness, psychological, psychology, reason, right, righteousness, stubbornness, superiority, superiority-complex, touche, truth, understanding, unfair, unfairness, wrong 67 likes like

George Carlin

“If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”

― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

tags: death, funny-but-true, humor 43 likes like

Criss Jami

“When you're truly awesome, you know that it's actually a burden and wish day after day to be relieved of such a curse. Think of about 95% of the superheroes.”

― Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality

tags: accountability, amazing, antagonist, antagonists, anti-hero, anti-heroes, antihero, antiheroes, arrogant, awesome, awkward, burden, burdens, cartoon, cocky, comic, comical, comics, confidence, curse, different, envy, estimated, estimation, fantasy, fiction, freak, funny, funny-but-true, genius, gifted, greatness, hero, heroes, high-self-esteem, honest, humble, humility, humor, inspirational, loneliness, low-self-esteem, mental-health, motivational, odd, pain, percent, percentage, philosophy, power, powers, protagonist, protagonists, relief, responsibility, righteousness, scrutiny, self-esteem, special, strength, superhero, superheroes, superpower, superpowers, talent, think, truth, unique, villain, villains, weakness, weird, wish 43 likes like

“Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.”

― Carroll Bryant

tags: comical, funny-as-hell, funny-but-sad, funny-but-true, funny-humor, hilarious, humor, humorous 43 likes like

Criss Jami

“Tell me that the purpose of life is to have fun, and without a care in the world I'll begin wreaking havoc on everything I pass. Now that's what I call pure, honest fun.”

― Criss Jami

tags: blunt, bluntness, building, building-up, care, caring, clever, considerate, consideration, construction, destroying, destruction, emotion, emotional-impulse, fun, funny, funny-but-true, havoc, helping-others, honest, honesty, humor, impulse, life, love, meaning, meaning-of-life, morality, philosophy, philosophy-of-life, pure, purpose, rhetoric, rhetorical, right, right-and-wrong, right-and-wrong-in-philosophy, righteousness, sarcasm, sarcastic, sarcastic-humor, self-control, stand-out, standing-out, true, truth, truth-telling, witty, wrong 40 likes like

Alyson Noel

“Somewhere in the crowd was at least one potential friend who'd understand the fundamental value of goofing off.

Because if not, how boring would that be?”

― Alyson Noel, Radiance

tags: friendship, funny-but-true 40 likes like

“He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.”

― Carroll Bryant

tags: funny, funny-but-true, humor, humorous, humorous-quotes 34 likes like

Criss Jami

“In the fashion industry, everything goes retro except the prices.”

― Criss Jami

tags: apparel, clever, clothing, comedic, comedic-value, cost, culture, designer, economy, expense, fads, fashion, fashion-designer, fashion-industry, fashion-quotes, funny, funny-but-true, humor, industry, marketing, modeling, money, pop-culture, popular, popular-culture, price, retro, style, trends, value, vintage 25 likes like

“Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.”

― Carroll Bryant

tags: comedy, funny, funny-but-true, funny-quotes, humor, humorous 25 likes like

Criss Jami

“Senses of humor define people, as factions, deeper rooted than religious or political opinions. When carrying out everyday tasks, opinions are rather easy to set aside, but those whom a person shares a sense of humor with are his closest friends. They are always there to make the biggest influence.”

― Criss Jami

tags: association, beliefs, best-friends, brain, daily, daily-life, factions, foundation, friends, friendship, funny, funny-but-true, human-nature, humor, influences, opinions, politics, religion, sense-of-humor, true 24 likes like

Criss Jami

“I claim neither liberalism nor conservatism - one tends to be airheaded while the other tends to be brickheaded.”

― Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality

tags: airheads, brickheads, conscious, consciousness, conservatism, conservative, controversial, funny, funny-but-true, government, humor, independence, independent, insulting, liberal, liberalism, neutrality, offensive, political, politician, politics 24 likes like

Criss Jami

“When most of the greatest individuals in history were misunderstood and you've spent so much of your own adult life misunderstood, you can't help but believe that the majority of people know very little worth knowing.”

― Criss Jami

tags: discovery, funny, funny-but-true, genius, geniuses, gift, greatness, history, history-of-mankind, humor, ignorance, individual, knowing, majority, majority-view, mankind, misunderstanding, misunderstood, odd, originality, people, perspective, perspective-is-a-gift 20 likes like

Criss Jami

“The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you.”

― Criss Jami

tags: anatomical, anatomy, biological, biology, brain, cognition, female, femininity, funny, funny-but-true, honest, humor, love, macho, male, man, manliness, masculinity, men, psychological, psychology, relationships, science, scientific, thinking, understanding, woman, women 18 likes like

Criss Jami

“If I were to envy any persons on this planet, it would be mountain hermits. You often hear old platitudes such as, 'Speak out. Be heard.' On the contrary, a breath of fresh air would be something like: 'Silence, think for at least 15 minutes, and then maybe speak out.”

― Criss Jami

tags: alone, annoyed, aphorisms, blurt, blurting, calmness, chatter, chatterbox, chattering, conversation, conversing, envy, falsehood, fresh-air, frustration, funny, funny-but-true, hermit, honesty, humanity, humor, introversion, introvert, jealousy, lies, lone, loneliness, loner, loud, lying, mountain, noise, noise-reduction, opinionated, opinions, peace, peaceful, peacefulness, people, planet, platitude, purity, quiet, reduction, silence, small-talk, social, socializing, society, solitary, solitude, speak-out, speaking, talk, talk-is-cheap, talking, thinking, thought, tranquility, truth 17 likes like

Criss Jami

“I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.”

― Criss Jami

tags: apologetics, baby, belief, clever, comparison, control, crying, evolution, faith, funny, funny-but-true, genetics, humor, metaphor, observation, patience, process, sarcasm, sarcastic, sarcastic-humor, science, self-control, short-temper, similarity, successor, temper, temperament, true, truth, wit, witty 17 likes like

Criss Jami

“Have nuts and be nuts.”

― Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality

tags: bravery, courage, crazy, dreams, extreme, extreme-sports, funny, funny-but-true, humor, inspirational, motivational, nuts, risk, risk-it, sports, strength, success 13 likes like

Criss Jami

“Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair.”

― Criss Jami

tags: bigot, bigotry, bigots, bite, challenge, compose, composure, contain, containment, control, controlling, controlling-your-emotions, conviction, difficult, funny, funny-but-true, hair, hard, honest, honesty, humor, love, opinions, patience, patience-and-love, patient, peace, pull, repression, resist, resistance, self-control, silence, suppression, tear, tolerance, tolerate, tongue, truth, virtue 12 likes like

Criss Jami

“The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.”

― Criss Jami

tags: arrogance, arrogant, belief, bias, clan, country, estimate, estimated, estimation, family, funny, funny-but-true, humor, illogical, inferior, inferiority, irrational, logic, mystery, nation, nationalism, patriot, patriotic, patriotism, people, percent, percentage, pride, prideful, sarcasm, sarcastic, stat, statistic, statistics, stats, superior, superiority, true 11 likes like

“...if you aren't, at any given time, scandalized by code you wrote five or even three years ago, you're not learning anywhere near enough”

― Nick Black

tags: computer-science, funny-but-true 11 likes like

Criss Jami

“If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.”

― Criss Jami

tags: authority, candidates, clever, dictators, dictatorships, dominance, eclipse, equality, funny, funny-but-true, goofy, humor, intelligence, knowledge, knowledge-of-people, knowledge-power, leaders, nations, outwit, overpower, patriot, patriotic, patriotism, people, philosophy, politics, power, powerlessness, respect, theory, tyrants, voice-of-the-nations, voices, voting, wit, witty 10 likes like

Chelsea Handler

“Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!”

― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

tags: funny-but-true 9 likes like

Criss Jami

“Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.”

― Criss Jami

tags: argue, arguing, argumentation, babble, babbling, correct, craftiness, debate, debating, deceit, english, fallacies, fallacy, funny, funny-but-true, humor, incorrect, justification, language, psychobabble, psychology, redefine, refutation, retorts, self-justification, study, wrongness 8 likes like

“The internal combustion engine, one of the greatest technological advancements in history, has an unfortunate downside, namely air pollution so thick that, very soon, sixty-four packs of crayons will include the color Sky Brown”

― Cuthbert Soup, A Whole Nother Story