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Funny Senior Quotes Biography

source (google.com.pk)

Doctors say that short-term memory is the first to go…but do they say anything about a sense of humor? Hope not…

These funny quotes--by and for people 50-plus--were sent by my friend Phil Weintraub in Illinois.

"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'"

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'"

- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

- Mark Twain

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."

- Ed Furgol

"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."

- Spike Milligan

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

- Henny Youngman

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."

- Victor Borge

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

- Bob Hope

"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."

- Will Rogers

"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you."

- Winston Churchill

"Maybe it's true that life begins at 50... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."

- Phyllis Diller

"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out."

- Unknown

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."

- Billy Crystal

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

- Mark Twain

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."

-Herbert Henry Asquith

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. ”It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.

Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.”

After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!

Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!”

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Rating: 2.6/5 (154 votes cast)

Aging Joke

Posted in Old People Jokes

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.

“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.

“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”

“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.

“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”

“Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”

“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!

John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

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Rating: 3.5/5 (36 votes cast)

Speeding Ticket Joke

Posted in Old People Jokes, Police Jokes

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.

She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”

She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”

He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.

“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

“Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!”

He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

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Rating: 4.3/5 (78 votes cast)

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Hearing Aid Joke

Posted in Old People Jokes

After much nagging from his wife, Sam was visiting the audiologist. Yes, he would need hearing aids and they ranged in price from $10.00 to $2,000, was what he was told.

“I’ll try the $10.00 pair” Sam said.

The nurse placed the hearing aids into his ears and hung a wire around his neck.

“Does the wire really have to be around my neck?” asked Sam.

“Why of course!” replied the nurse. “You think these things in your ears do anything?! It’s the wire around your neck – it makes people talk louder!”

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Rating: 3.5/5 (33 votes cast)

Too Old To Date Joke

— 4 Comments ↓ Posted in Old People Jokes

The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again. One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember. Morton picked up the phone and dialed. ”Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?” ”Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”

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Rating: 3.5/5 (45 votes cast)

Exercise Joke

— No Comments ↓ Posted in Old People Jokes

At the urging of Harry’s wife and doctor, 50 year old Harry finally made it to the gym. After consulting with one of the trainers, Harry decided to try out a steep treadmill. “Ok”, said the trainer “I’m going to set it for ten minutes, if you want to go longer just press start again.” At first Harry was doing fine but after 5 seconds he started getting tired, and after a minute he jumped off gasping for breath. Walking to the side to sit down, he passed by a friend of his. “Man”, said Harry. “I could barely last a full minute on that treadmill.” “Alright alright”, said his buddy, “no reason to brag!”