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Good Funny Quotes Biography

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

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Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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To me, the musical is best when it's a musical comedy. So if you have a very, very funny show, and very good, funny songs, that's what the musical does best.

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Eric Idle quotes

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

- LANA TURNER

Interpretation: Quotes that laugh at the perceived differences between the genders (or gender stereotypes) are funny to those who enjoy this kind of humor. The joke here is that men are considered successful if they make a lot of money, but women don’t need to make money to be considered successful; they just need to marry a man who makes a lot of money.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’

- ANONYMOUS

Interpretation: The joke this quote makes is that elderly women are often crazy about the game bingo, so much so that an otherwise nice old lady might utter an obscene word if she loses at bingo. (Plus, most people find it funny to think of a “sweet little 80-year-old lady” saying the “F” word.)

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

- DAVE BARRY

Interpretation: Taking a metaphor or analogy seriously — in this case, thinking a motivational statement like “finish what you start” applies to eating junk food — makes for a classic joke. This quote also makes fun of the vague and sometimes impractical advice one might receive from a therapist.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

- ANONYMOUS

Interpretation: People often joke about the haughty, stuck-up nature of cats. This quote literally means that dogs are obedient to their owners, while cats think they are the owner, or master, and that you work for them.