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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes Biography

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"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." - Jon Stewart

"Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, Here, kitty, kitty." - David Letterman

"Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty." - Michael Dresser

"Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often." – Johnny Carson

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." - Erma Bombeck

"What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?" - Erma Bombeck

"But see, in our open clearings, how golden the melons lie; Enrich them with sweets and spices, and give us the pumpkin-pie!" – Margaret Junkin Preston

"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor." - Phyllis Diller

"My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow." – Rita Rudner

"I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable." - Todd Barry

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day." - Irv Kupcinet

"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants." - Kevin James

"Here I am 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt." - Roseanne Barr

"On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment - halftime." - Author Unknown

"One distinguishing mark of an unregenerate man is ingratitude." – E. J. Conrad

"We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing." – George Carlin
"Thanksgiving is possible only for those who take time to remember; no one can give thanks who has a short memory" - Author Unknown

"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor" - Phyllis Diller

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." Erma Bombeck

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day." Iry Kupcinet

"We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing."-George Carlin

"I love Thanksgiving turkey... it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts." Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel
thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year.
And then discover once a year is way too often."- Johnny Carson

"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out." - Jay Leno

"Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year."-P.J. O'Rourke

"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself."- Mitch Hedberg

"Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before."- Rita Rudner

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? ~Erma Bombeck, "No One Diets on Thanksgiving," 26 November 1981

Some hae meat and canna eat, -
And some wad eat that want it;
But we hae meat, and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.
~Robert Burns

The thing I'm most thankful for right now is elastic waistbands. ~Author Unknown

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends and Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls Wallpapers Taglog For Kids