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Great Funny Quotes Biography

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I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

Imelda Marcos

Shoes, Three, Thousand

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

Water, Whistle, Boiling

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

Cause, Wear, Upside

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

Here, Hand, Powers

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Warren Buffett

Cheap, Expensive, Buy

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Wright

Batteries, Bought, Included

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Charles M. Schulz

Time, Philosophy, Dread

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Phyllis Diller

Best, Eat, Kitchen

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

Luis Bunuel

Age, Matter, Unless

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

David Brenner

Children, Eat, Vegetarian

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

Family, Tree, Found

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

Great, Small, Cross

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

W. H. Auden

Help, Others, Earth

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

Calvin Coolidge

Hurt, Said

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Erma Bombeck

Women, Cars, Thin

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Ron White

Time, Next

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

Saint Augustine

Help, Lord, Pure

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Lily Tomlin

Love, Question, Please

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Simple, Fat

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

H. L. Mencken

Public, Nobody, Taste

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

P. J. O'Rourke

Godliness, Becomes, Unlikely

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

H. L. Mencken

Harder, Average, Ape

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Divorce, Keep, House

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

Time, Enjoyed, Iron

I like children - fried.

W. C. Fields

Children, Fried

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.

H. G. Wells

Time, Future, Despair

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

Voltaire

Necessary

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Mitch Hedberg

Means, Dirty, Clean

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

H. L. Mencken

Marriage, Wonderful

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

P. J. O'Rourke

May, Parents, Difficult

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

Jerry Lewis

Woman, Dream, Her

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Spike Milligan

Father, Influence, Profound

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Laurence J. Peter

Art, Fine, Forgetting

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

Stephen Fry

Age, Remind, Bladder

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Woody Allen

Life, Regret, Else

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Bob Hope

Love, Money, Washington

My life needs editing.

Mort Sahl

Life, Needs, Editing

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.

Hillary Clinton

Hair, Changing, Quest

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Spike Milligan

Sure, Tree, Sit

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

Will Rogers

Wife, Star, Started

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

Cathy Guisewite

Love, Food, Career

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

Will Rogers

Girl, Places, Expected

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

Victor Hugo

Harm, Fashions

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

W. Clement Stone

Lunch, Stolen, Cork

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry

Another, Fact, Body

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Tallulah Bankhead

Life, Mistakes, Again

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

Lucille Ball

Home, Children, Leave

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

God, Diamonds, Floor

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Demetri Martin

Says, Outside, Finish

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Robert Benchley

Great, Tried, Fairly