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Funny Mom Quotes Biography

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Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

– Rita Rudner

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

– Erma Bombeck

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

– Groucho Marx

Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease.

– Lisa Alther

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

– Calvin Trillin

A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.

– Tenneva Jordan

I felt my mother about the place. I don't think she haunts me, but I wouldn't put it past her.

– Julie Walters

My mum is about five foot with her hair done. Without it she's about four foot 10.

– Ryan Kwanten

Living with a teenage daughter is like living with the Taliban: a mum is not allowed to laugh, sing, dance or wear short skirts.

– Kathy Lette

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

– Phyllis Diller

My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.

– Woody Allen

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

– Jay Leno

I have to keep reminding myself that I am their mother. Sometimes we are sitting at home and I feel like we are waiting for our mom to come home.

– Ruby Wax

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

– Angie Dickinson

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

– Rodney Dangerfield

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

– Jane Sellman

The interesting thing about being a mother is that everyone wants pets, but no one but me cleans the kitty litter.

– Meryl Streep

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

– Rita Rudner

My mother's five-foot-two, and I'll be honest with you - she's the only person I'm scared of.

– Kiefer Sutherland

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

– Oscar Wilde

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss ~ Tina Fey

My mother never breast fed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend ~ Rodney Dangerfield

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car for ever after ~ Peter De Vries

A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie ~ Tenneva Jordan

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them ~ Rita Rudner

Sweater, noun. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly ~ Ambrose Bierce

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices. Take it or leave it! ~Buddy Hackett

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot ~Rodney Dangerfield

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young ~ Unknown

Buy your mom roses. Remember that you were once her thorns ~ Unknown

Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease ~ Lisa Alther

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found ~ Calvin Trillin

The phrase “working mother” is redundant ~ Jane Sellman

Mothers are all slightly insane ~ J.D. Salinger

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble. ~ Dennis Fakes

You will always be your child’s favorite toy ~ Vicki Lansky

Rita Rudner

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Mark Twain

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

Dan Quayle

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

Phyllis Diller

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely. But the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Kin Hubbard

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.

Louie Anderson

My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up.

Oscar Wilde

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

Paula Poundstone

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Tim Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth certificate, so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra fifty cents that the adults had to pay.

Dame Edna Everage

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.

Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air; psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Pamela Anderson

I'm a mother with two small children, so I don't take as much crap as I used to.