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Funny Quotes Sayings Biography

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Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Bill Maher

Used, Sin, Disease

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

Johnny Carson

Television, Radio, Eating

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jerry Seinfeld

Men, Care, Else

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Anthony Burgess

Alone, Sleep, Laugh

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

Kevin Nealon

Baby, Boomers

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Bill Maher

Men, Loyal, Options

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Ellen DeGeneres

Child, Ask, Accountant

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

George Burns

Sick, Dead, Sea

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Love, Gun, Interest

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Lily Tomlin

Beauty, Truth, Hair

I'm for whatever gets you through the night.

Frank Sinatra

Night, Whatever, Gets

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Robert Orben

Children, Hand, Leaves

Be obscure clearly.

E. B. White

Clearly, Obscure

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Steve Martin

Hate, Woman, Head

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Woody Allen

Team, Chess, Failed

All men are equal before fish.

Herbert Hoover

Men, Fish, Equal

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.

Hesiod

Woman, She, Deceive

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

Kevin James

Feeling, Pizza, Warm

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields

Life, Lost, Smoking

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen

Happen, Place, Fine

You're only as good as your last haircut.

Fran Lebowitz

Good, Last, Haircut

Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.

Edward Abbey

Society, Once, While

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Billy Connolly

Army, Red, Knives

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Fred Allen

Religion, Time, Church

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Frank Lloyd Wright

Eyes, Tv, Gum

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

Robert Byrne

Walk, Another, Until

Never fight an inanimate object.

P. J. O'Rourke

Fight, Object, Inanimate

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

Bette Davis

Hair, Kiss, Washed

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Robert Benchley

Said, Language, Fine

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Fran Lebowitz

Food, Diet, Balanced

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

Succeed, Skydiving

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Lewis Black

Candy, Corn

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Tim Allen

Positive, Men, Good

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Woody Allen

Life, Change, Underwear

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.

Marcelene Cox

Parents, Blame, Succeed

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

Hillary Clinton

Change, Story, Off

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

Friend, Door, Next

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

James Thurber

Wrong, Number, Phone

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

Steve Martin

Word, Boy, French

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Robin Williams

Number, Phone, Psychic

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

Ellen DeGeneres

Cut, Barbie, Buzz

One man's folly is another man's wife.

Helen Rowland

Wife, Another, Folly

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Woody Allen

Job, Miserable, Films

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Jay Leno

Reason, State, Driver

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Milton Berle

Experience, Her, Forgotten

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Jerry Seinfeld

Mafia, Irs

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Jay Leno

Dad, Mother, Wife

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

Fred Allen

Time, Him, Last

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.

Laurence J. Peter

Child, Television, Force

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Gloria Steinem

Marriage, Career, Advice