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Awesome Funny Quotes Biography

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I have a sixth sense, I see stupid people.

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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

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If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.

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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

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As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

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I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours and cry.

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Everything will be okay in the end. If everything is not okay, then it is not the end...

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A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

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Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

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Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit.

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Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.

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There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

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272

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Dave Barry

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It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.

Scott Adams

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I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

A Bit of Fry and Laurie

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108

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

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The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": Fighting, fleeing, feeding and... mating.

Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

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114

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

Mark Twain

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115

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A. Whitney Brown

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178

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

William James

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There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

Dick Cavettmocking the TV-violence debate

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I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.

Editor of the Limerick Times(Limerick, Ireland)

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When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

("When cryptography is outlawedonly outlaws will have privacy")

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Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

Ashleigh Brilliant

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Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

- Advising the President.

- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

David Letterman

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An Animated Cartoon Theology:

People are animals.

The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.

Life is antagonistic to the living.

The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.

The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.

The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.

We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.

E. L. Doctorow, "The Book of Daniel"

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Sweden's previous Minister of Justice amused the Americans on her visit. Her name is Gun Hellsvik, pronounced "gun hells week".

Ronny Eriksson

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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Stupidest question of the month

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The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.

Mikael Pawlo

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You don't buy the drink here, you only rent it

Restroom Graffiti

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Seizing this rare opportunity, I motion to the airhostess and inform her that I could easily rid them of vast quantities of cumbersome beer and make this flight a lot safer for all concerned, to which she replies "Sorry sir, we don't serve drinks until we are airborne." Obviously she mistook my perfectly understandable English for some alien code and I was forced to reduce my instruction to monosylables which was surprisingly met with compliance. Having secured something liquid refreshment, I released the hostages and returned to my seat.

Alan H. describing asuccessful business trip