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Best Funny Quotes Biography

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Jimmy Durante

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Woody Allen

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

Oscar Wilde

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Fred Allen

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

George Bernard Shaw

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

Bob Hope

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

Fred Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Robert McCloskey

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Mark Twain

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.

Henry A. Kissinger

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Robert Frost

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

Oscar Wilde

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

Winston Churchill

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Mae West

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Steven Wright

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!

Charles Schulz

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Jerry Seinfeld

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Fred Allen

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Billy Sunday

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”

― Billy Sunday, Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words Which Have Won Thousands for Christ

tags: automobile, car, funny, humor, religious 7429 likes like

Suzanne Collins

“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”

― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

tags: boggs, finnick, funny, humour, hunger-games, katniss, mockingjay, odair, suzanne-collins, witty 7244 likes like

Chris Rock

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”

― Chris Rock

tags: comedy, everyday-life, funny, humor, observational-comedy 7166 likes like

Phyllis Diller

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

― Phyllis Diller

tags: anger, funny, sleep 6769 likes like

Marilyn Monroe

“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”

― Marilyn Monroe

tags: dirty, funny, logo, sex 5536 likes like

John Green

“What the hell is that?" I laughed.

"It's my fox hat."

"Your fox hat?"

"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."

"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.

"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”

― John Green, Looking for Alaska

tags: funny, humor 5033 likes like

Lemony Snicket

“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”

― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

tags: funny 4910 likes like

George Carlin

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

― George Carlin

tags: funny, humanity, humor 4854 likes like

Mark Twain

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

― Mark Twain

tags: classic-insult, funeral, funny, humor 4776 likes like

John Green

“They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”

― John Green, Looking for Alaska

tags: awesomeness, funny 4386 likes like

Albert Einstein

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”

― Albert Einstein

tags: funny 4009 likes like

Ellen DeGeneres

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”

― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding

tags: funny 3911 likes like

Cathy Guisewite

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”

― Cathy Guisewite

tags: eyes, funny, lemons 3826 likes like

Winston Churchill

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”

― Winston Churchill

tags: churchill, funny, true 3600 likes like

Jerry Seinfeld

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

― Jerry Seinfeld

tags: books, funny 3097 likes like

Rodney Dangerfield

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

― Rodney Dangerfield

tags: crime, funny, humour, neighborhoods 3060 likes like

John Green

“It's not because I want to make out with her."

Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit”

― John Green, Looking for Alaska

tags: funny 3036 likes like

Jarod Kintz

“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”

― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

tags: absurd, crazy, funny, funny-and-random, humor, love, passion, romance, strange 2834 likes like

Yogi Berra

“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”

― Yogi Berra, When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes

tags: funny 2678 likes like

Golda Meir

“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”

― Golda Meir

tags: funny, golda, meir, true 2527 likes like

Bill Cosby

“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”

― Bill Cosby

tags: funny 2475 likes like

Richelle Mead

“Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.”

― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

tags: funny, sweet 2405 likes like

Suzanne Collins

“I'm going to wake Peeta," I say.

"No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."

Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.

His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"

Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”

― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

tags: funny, humor, prank 2391 likes like

George Carlin

“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

― George Carlin

tags: america, dream, funny, humor, wealth 2361 likes like

Jarod Kintz

“I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.”

― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

tags: absurd, communication, conversations, funny, humor, mind, people, relationships, sarcasm, sarcastic 2346 likes like

Cassandra Clare

“I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."

"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.”

― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

tags: funny, humor 2194 likes like

Rachel Caine

“Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane”

― Rachel Caine, Glass Houses

tags: funny, morganvillevampires 2180 likes like

Shel Silverstein

“I cannot go to school today"

Said little Peggy Ann McKay.

"I have the measles and the mumps,

A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.

I'm going blind in my right eye.

My tonsils are as big as rocks,

I've counted sixteen chicken pox.

And there's one more - that's seventeen,

And don't you think my face looks green?

My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,

It might be the instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,

I'm sure that my left leg is broke.

My hip hurts when I move my chin,

My belly button's caving in.

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,

My 'pendix pains each time it rains.

My toes are cold, my toes are numb,

I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,

I hardly whisper when I speak.

My tongue is filling up my mouth,

I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,

My temperature is one-o-eight.

My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,

There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...

What? What's that? What's that you say?

You say today is .............. Saturday?

G'bye, I'm going out to play!”

― Shel Silverstein