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Short Funny Quotes Biography

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Hitch your wagon to a star…but not a supernova.

- M.J. McGuire

The early bird gets the word. The worm gets his head chewed off by a sharp beak with serrated edges.

- M.J. McGuire

A good man is hard to find. A good midget is ever harder to find…especially in a large crowd.

- M.J. McGuire

If the stuff that comes out of my mouth upsets you, just think of all the things I keep to myself.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, damn you’re good.

Why’d the metaphysical chicken cross the road? He didn’t. He astro-projected over it while lucid dreaming, thus avoiding bad karma and reducing his chances of coming back in the next life as a cracked egg, ready for the skillet.

Bungee jumping is suicide with strings attached!

All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.

Where’s my chips?

Why do people try park as close as the can to the entrance when they go to the gym to work out?

A friend of mine: Do you think I am funny?

Me: yeah, every time I look at you.

When all else fails, read the directions.

If Microsoft buys Facebook. Than the first notification we will get will be: “You have to install driver to add friends”.

Vegetarians, if you want animals to live, why do you eat their food.

Someone told me I was immature. Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house now?

Notice: Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.

If you see a guy opening a car door for a girl, it’s one of two things, either a new girl, or a new car!

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth, until you step in the exam hall.

Thanks to all those who ask the awkward questions on yahoo answers so that we don’t have to.