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Family Guy Funny Quotes Biography

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Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?

Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?

Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.

Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOO'!

Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.

Death: Well that would just leave England.

Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.

Do these huggies make my ass look big?

Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

OH! mmm yes oh god this is better than SEX!

Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents.

Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.

Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.

Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.

Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

Peter: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.

Teacher: In French, to say yes you say oui-oui.

[Peter starts laughing]

Peter: Oh, man, that's hysterical. (keeps laughing) Hey, what do you say for no, doo-doo? (laughs) Hey, I'll be right back. I've got to go take a wicked yes.

Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple.

[Riding a circus elephant]

Peter: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.

[At a job interview]

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?

Peter: [Thinking to himself "Don't say doing you wife. Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son...

Peter: Hey Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no TV? So he failed a class, it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that Thanksgiving when I was nineteen.

Brian: It's really amazing how this has brought the whole neighborhood together.

Peter: You wanna know what's really amazing? I haven't brushed my teeth in 3 days, and no one has said a thing!

Peter: Don't worry I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about...

Mr. Weed: Peter, your fired!

Peter: Aw! Damn it... for how long?

Peter: Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?

[brief pause]

Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?

Network executive: Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...

Peter: Wanna split it?

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?

Peter: If by "read", you mean "imagine the naked lady", then yes.

[Peter saw Lois in a coffee shop talking with her old college boyfriend]

Peter: I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.

Peter: Son, we're going to get you back in the Scouts so fast, they won't know what hit 'em.

[he backs into a parked car]

Peter: And, um, neither will that guy.

Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?

Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.

Chris Griffin: UPN?

Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie@yahoo.com.

Forecast for tomorrow; a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!

Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of active grenades!

This is life. So go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

Remember, nothing says 'good job' like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.

Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!

I only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt! You know what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.

Lois, when I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

There was a time when people dismissed Family Guy as nothing more than a rip-off of The Simpsons. Obese and stupid Dad? Precocious child with a problem with authority? All present and correct. Good job the characters weren’t yellow otherwise Matt Groening and the lawyers would be having a conniption fit. Yet, from the very first moment it was broadcast, Family Guy showed that – in many ways – it had more edge than its Springfield set counterpart. Bart Simpson is proud of underachieving. Stewie Griffin is proud of wanting to kill his mother. Unafraid of the political, the cruel and the scatological the show has had many moments when you can’t help think “I can’t believe they just did that,”

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says, ‘Oooooo.’

Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

(Season 1: ‘The Son Also Draws’)

Lois: Peter tell Chris that women are not objects!

Peter: Your mother’s right Chris, listen to what it says.

Season 2: ‘Running Mates’

Stewie: “We’re playing house…”

Lois: “But that kid is all tied up!”

Stewie: “Roman Polanski’s house.”

Season 3: ‘The Kiss Seen Around The World’

Peter: So uhh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow eh? Bet you’re gonna need some strapping men to help you with your boat.

Mr. Pewterschmidt: Are you calling me gay?

Peter: No. No. I just; I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your poopdeck.

Season 4: ‘Model Misbehaviour’

Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?

Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.

Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That’s just stupid what you said.

Season 5: ‘Petergeist’

Francis: There’s no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix.

Stewie: Oh yes, nothing says eat up like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.

Season 5: ‘The Father, The Son and the Holy Fonz’

Tom Tucker: Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.

Season 6, ‘Chick Cancer’

Presenter: And the Grammy, for biggest posse goes to…Ja Rule!

Madonna: What!?

Presenter: No Madonna, posse, posse.

Madonna: Oh.

Season 6: ‘Saving Private Brian’

Peter: 9/11 changed everything!

Brian: Peter, you didn’t even know what 9/11 was until 2004.

Season 7: ‘Padre Da Familia

Stewie: Who’s that rather attractive woman on a camel?

Brian: That’s Peter O’Toole.

Peter: You movie buffs might likes this, both of his names are slang for penis.

Season 8: ‘Big Man on Hippocampus’

Carnie: Step right up, step right up! You won’t believe your eyes. Step right up and see the amazing half man, half clam.

Peter: What a ripoff, it’s just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style

Season 9: ‘The Road to the Multiverse’

Chris (as Luke Skywalker): You don’t believe in the force, do you?

Peter (as Han Solo): Oh, you mean that thing you just learned about three hours ago, and am now judging me for not believing in?

(Blue Harvest)

Peter (as Han Solo): We’re going to visit Lando Calrissian. The only black guy in the universe.