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Funny Quots Biography

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I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Will Rogers

Political, Party, Democrat

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

Morning, Sleep, Sorry

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Yogi Berra

Worth, Anymore, Dime

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Laurence J. Peter

Three, Wrongs

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

Women, Missing, Anyone

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Her, Interrupt

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Erma Bombeck

Diet, Friend, Fat

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

George Bernard Shaw

Best, Dance, Teach

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx

Understand, Child, Five

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Chris Rock

Life, Women, Food

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

Claude Pepper

Age, Him, Value Quote

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Don Marquis

Art, Yesterday, Keeping

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Mitch Hedberg

Trap, Pancake, Syrup

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

Laurence J. Peter

Until, Knows

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Katharine Hepburn

Life

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

Ronald Reagan

Worth, Picture

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Groucho Marx

Born, Except, Democrats

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams

Call, Hour, Moves

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

Baby, Knew, Radio

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

Lightning, Organized

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Steven Wright

Writing, Book, Numbers

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Billy Connolly

Thinking, Listen, Tell

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Woman, Said, Problem

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Robin Williams

Sorry, Agree

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Henry A. Kissinger

Crisis, Cannot, Week

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Clint Eastwood

Heaven, Thunder, Lightning

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Robert Orben

Health, Food, Older

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Oscar Levant

Roses, Red, Blue

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

Word, Another, Thesaurus

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Joe E. Lewis

Else, Week, Drink

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

Jane Wagner

God, Talk, Praying

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

W. C. Fields

Water, Drink, Fish

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Erma Bombeck

Giving, Gift, Guilt

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Bertrand Russell

Die, Wrong, Might

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

Hate, Again, Start

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

Bertrand Russell

Waiting, Grow, Full

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Josh Billings

Memory, Mistake, Lots

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

Walt Whitman

Friends, Enemy, Doubt

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Don Marquis

Listen, Pessimist, Optimists

I never said most of the things I said.

Yogi Berra

Said

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Walt Disney

Love, Woman, Known

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

George Carlin

Left, Speaks, Comic

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

Car, Children, Windows

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughan

Happiness, Money, Problem

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

David Lee Roth

Used, Falling, Ice

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Rita Rudner

Idea, Name, Eventually

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

Die, Comedy, Fall

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Bill Cosby

Love, Pretending, Present

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Milton Berle

Group, Hours, Minutes

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld

Amazing, Happens, News

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

Imelda Marcos

Shoes, Three, Thousand

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

Water, Whistle, Boiling

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

Cause, Wear, Upside

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

Here, Hand, Powers

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Warren Buffett

Cheap, Expensive, Buy

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Wright

Batteries, Bought, Included

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Charles M. Schulz

Time, Philosophy, Dread

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Phyllis Diller

Best, Eat, Kitchen

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

Luis Bunuel

Age, Matter, Unless

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

David Brenner

Children, Eat, Vegetarian

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

Family, Tree, Found

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

Great, Small, Cross

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

W. H. Auden

Help, Others, Earth

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

Calvin Coolidge

Hurt, Said

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Erma Bombeck

Women, Cars, Thin

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Ron White

Time, Next

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

Saint Augustine

Help, Lord, Pure

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Lily Tomlin

Love, Question, Please

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Simple, Fat

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

H. L. Mencken

Public, Nobody, Taste

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

P. J. O'Rourke

Godliness, Becomes, Unlikely

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

H. L. Mencken

Harder, Average, Ape

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Divorce, Keep, House

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

Time, Enjoyed, Iron

I like children - fried.

W. C. Fields

Children, Fried