Great Funny Quotes Biography
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Shoes, Three, Thousand
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Water, Whistle, Boiling
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Cause, Wear, Upside
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Here, Hand, Powers
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Cheap, Expensive, Buy
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Batteries, Bought, Included
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
Time, Philosophy, Dread
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Best, Eat, Kitchen
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Age, Matter, Unless
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
Children, Eat, Vegetarian
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Family, Tree, Found
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Great, Small, Cross
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
W. H. Auden
Help, Others, Earth
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Women, Cars, Thin
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Help, Lord, Pure
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Love, Question, Please
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken
Public, Nobody, Taste
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke
Godliness, Becomes, Unlikely
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken
Harder, Average, Ape
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Divorce, Keep, House
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Time, Enjoyed, Iron
I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
H. G. Wells
Time, Future, Despair
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Means, Dirty, Clean
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
H. L. Mencken
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke
May, Parents, Difficult
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Woman, Dream, Her
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Father, Influence, Profound
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Art, Fine, Forgetting
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Age, Remind, Bladder
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Life, Regret, Else
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Love, Money, Washington
My life needs editing.
Life, Needs, Editing
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hair, Changing, Quest
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Sure, Tree, Sit
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Wife, Star, Started
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Love, Food, Career
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Girl, Places, Expected
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W. Clement Stone
Lunch, Stolen, Cork
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Another, Fact, Body
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Life, Mistakes, Again
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
Home, Children, Leave
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
God, Diamonds, Floor
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Says, Outside, Finish
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Great, Tried, Fairly