Funny Quots Biography
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Political, Party, Democrat
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Morning, Sleep, Sorry
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Worth, Anymore, Dime
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Women, Missing, Anyone
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Wife, Her, Interrupt
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Diet, Friend, Fat
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
George Bernard Shaw
Best, Dance, Teach
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Understand, Child, Five
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Life, Women, Food
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
Age, Him, Value Quote
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Art, Yesterday, Keeping
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Trap, Pancake, Syrup
A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
Laurence J. Peter
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Born, Except, Democrats
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Call, Hour, Moves
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Baby, Knew, Radio
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Writing, Book, Numbers
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Thinking, Listen, Tell
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Woman, Said, Problem
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
Crisis, Cannot, Week
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Heaven, Thunder, Lightning
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Health, Food, Older
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Roses, Red, Blue
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Word, Another, Thesaurus
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
Else, Week, Drink
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
God, Talk, Praying
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
Water, Drink, Fish
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Giving, Gift, Guilt
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Die, Wrong, Might
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Hate, Again, Start
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Waiting, Grow, Full
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
Memory, Mistake, Lots
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Friends, Enemy, Doubt
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Listen, Pessimist, Optimists
I never said most of the things I said.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Love, Woman, Known
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Left, Speaks, Comic
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Car, Children, Windows
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Happiness, Money, Problem
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
Used, Falling, Ice
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Idea, Name, Eventually
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Die, Comedy, Fall
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Love, Pretending, Present
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Group, Hours, Minutes
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Amazing, Happens, News
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Shoes, Three, Thousand
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Water, Whistle, Boiling
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Cause, Wear, Upside
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Here, Hand, Powers
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Cheap, Expensive, Buy
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Batteries, Bought, Included
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
Time, Philosophy, Dread
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Best, Eat, Kitchen
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Age, Matter, Unless
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
Children, Eat, Vegetarian
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Family, Tree, Found
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Great, Small, Cross
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
W. H. Auden
Help, Others, Earth
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Women, Cars, Thin
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Help, Lord, Pure
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Love, Question, Please
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken
Public, Nobody, Taste
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke
Godliness, Becomes, Unlikely
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken
Harder, Average, Ape
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Divorce, Keep, House
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Time, Enjoyed, Iron
I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields