Funny Quotes Sayings Biography
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Used, Sin, Disease
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Television, Radio, Eating
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Men, Care, Else
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Alone, Sleep, Laugh
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Men, Loyal, Options
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Child, Ask, Accountant
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Sick, Dead, Sea
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Love, Gun, Interest
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Beauty, Truth, Hair
I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
Night, Whatever, Gets
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Children, Hand, Leaves
Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Hate, Woman, Head
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Team, Chess, Failed
All men are equal before fish.
Men, Fish, Equal
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Woman, She, Deceive
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Feeling, Pizza, Warm
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Life, Lost, Smoking
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Happen, Place, Fine
You're only as good as your last haircut.
Good, Last, Haircut
Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
Society, Once, While
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Army, Red, Knives
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Religion, Time, Church
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
Eyes, Tv, Gum
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Walk, Another, Until
Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke
Fight, Object, Inanimate
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Hair, Kiss, Washed
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Said, Language, Fine
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Food, Diet, Balanced
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Positive, Men, Good
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Life, Change, Underwear
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
Parents, Blame, Succeed
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
Change, Story, Off
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Friend, Door, Next
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Wrong, Number, Phone
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Word, Boy, French
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Number, Phone, Psychic
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Cut, Barbie, Buzz
One man's folly is another man's wife.
Wife, Another, Folly
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Job, Miserable, Films
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Reason, State, Driver
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Experience, Her, Forgotten
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Dad, Mother, Wife
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
Time, Him, Last
Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.
Laurence J. Peter
Child, Television, Force
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Marriage, Career, Advice