Funny Simpsons Quotes

Source(google.com.pk)

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn’t brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness.
-The Simpsons, “Faith Off”
Homer: Hello… My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uhh, what’s your first name?
Homer: I don’t know…
The Simpsons, “Blood Feud”
I can’t take his money. I can’t print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don’t I just lie down and DIE?
-Homer Simpson, “Half Decent Proposal”
To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
-Homer Simpson, “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment”
Pff, English. Who needs that? I’m never going to England.
-Homer Simpson, “The Way We Was”
Damn it, Smithers, this isn’t rocket science; it’s brain surgery!
-Mr. Burns, “Treehouse of Horror II”
Marge, you’re my wife, I love you very much, but you’re living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.
-Homer Simpson, “Blood Feud”
Unshrink you?! Well, that would require some sort of a re-bigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous, it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle, hmm-hey—ahh, but not at you, O holiest of gods, with the wrathfulness and vengeance and the blood reign and the hey, hey, hey, it hurts me.
-John Frink-like scientist in the world Lisa creates, “Treehouse of Horror"
Oh, boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking!
-Ralph Wiggum, “Lisa the Vegetarian”
Now, look, boy. If your da goes ga-ga, you just use that…shin of yours to call me, and I’ll come a-runnin’. But don’t be readin’ my mind between 4 and 5.That’s Willie’s time!
-Groundskeeper Willie, “Treehouse of Horror V” (easily the best Halloween episode)
Todd: Is he killing that guitar, daddy?
Ned: Yes, son…
-The Simpsons, “Faith Off”
Trent Steel: You like Thai?
Homer: Tie good. You like shirt?
-The Simpsons, “Homer to the Max”
Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G’s!
-Homer Simpson, “Homer to the Max”
Don’t blame me; I voted for Kodos.
-Homer Simpson, “Treehouse of Horror VII”
I think Bart’s stupid again, Mom.
-Lisa Simpson, “Bart the Genius” (that’s my mom’s favorite Simpsons quote)
Fat Tony is a cancer on this city. He is the cancer and I am the... uh... What cures cancer?...
-Chief Clancy Wiggum, “Bart the Murderer”
Marge: Well, Lisa is now a horse and Bart is dead.
Homer: Well, me saying sorry isn’t going to fix things.
Marge: The gypsy said it would!
Homer: She’s not the boss of me.
Oh, “meltdown”. It’s one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an “unrequested fission surplus”.
-Mr. Burns
Bart: How would I go about creating a half man–half monkey type creature?
Ms. Krabappel: I’m sorry, that would be playing God.
Bart: God, schmod, I want my monkey-man!
-The Simpsons, “Bart’s Friend Falls in Love”
Lisa: I think it’s ironic that Dad saved the day while a thinner man would have fallen to his death.
Bart: And I think it’s ironic that for once Dad’s butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga—
Marge: Bart!
-The Simpsons, “King-Size Homer”“Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.”
-Matt Groening, "Life in Hell"

“Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania'...or 'teria'.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“I'm a level 5 vegan, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.”
-Matt Groening, The Simpson