Funny Family Quotes

Funny Family Quotes Definition

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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
After all, what is a pedestrian? He is a man who has two cars-one being driven by his wife, the other by one of his children.
My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.
Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.
In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.
If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that "Members not Present" and "Subjects Discussed" were one and the same.
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
I grew up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my father's posture, my father's opinions, and my mother's contempt for my father.
Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future.
Some family trees have beautiful leaves, and some have just a bunch of nuts. Remember, it is the nuts that make the tree worth shaking. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
More funny Dick Cavett quotes
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More funny Phyllis Diller quotes
As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
More funny Bill Cosby quotes
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.
More funny Bill Cosby quotes
Parents like the idea of kids, they just don't like their kids.
More funny Morley Safer quotes
Smack your child every day. If you don't know why -- he does.
More funny Joey Adams quotes
Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
More funny Russell Baker quotes
I like children. Properly cooked.
More funny W. C. Fields quotes
Children are a great comfort in your old age -- and they help you reach it faster, too.
More funny Lionel Kauffman quotes
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
More funny Robert Orben quotes
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
More funny George Bernard Shaw quotes
Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
More funny Mark Twain quotes
I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.
More funny Dave Barry quotes
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
More funny Erma Bombeck quotes
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
More funny Quentin Crisp quotes
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
More funny Rita Rudner quotes
I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
More funny Rita Rudner quotes
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
More funny Bill Cosby quotes
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
More funny Erma Bombeck quotes
You make 'em, I amuse 'em.
More funny Dr. Theodore Seuss Geisel quotes
Before I was married, I had a hundred theories about raising children and no children. Now, I have three children and no theories.
More funny John Wilmot quotes
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived. (Horse Feathers)
More funny Groucho Marx quotes
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. (Horse Feathers)
More funny Groucho Marx quotes
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
More funny Samuel Butler quotes
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
More funny W. C. Fields quotes
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.
More funny Oliver Wendell Holmes quotes
In automobile terms, the child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.
More funny Benjamin Spock quotes
There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age.
More funny Benjamin Spock quotes
I love kids. I was a kid myself, once.
More funny Tom Cruise quotes
I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant
More funny Dean Martin quotes
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
More funny Sam Levenson quotes
When I was born my father spent three weeks trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate.
More funny Jackie Vernon quotes
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
More funny Roseanne Barr quotes
When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I've done my job.
More funny Roseanne Barr quotes
Your sons weren't made to like you. That's what grandchildren are for.
More funny Jane Smiley quotes
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
More funny Red Buttons quotes
I didn’t make Dale Jr. go be a racer. The kid wanted to be a racer. I’d just as soon him be a doctor, a preacher or whatever. I’m not sure I’d want him to be a lawyer.
More funny Dale Earnhardt quotes
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
More funny Bob Hope quotes
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tires.
More funny Dorothy Parker quotes
Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet.
More funny Art Linkletter quotes
When you are 12, you no longer need the parents.
More funny Roman Polanski quotes
A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.
More funny Bill Vaughan quotes
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
More funny Fran Lebowitz quotes
Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
More funny Fran Lebowitz quotes
Children ask better questions than adults. "May I have a cookie?" "Why is the sky blue?" and "What does a cow say?" are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than "Where's your manuscript?" Why haven't you called?" and "Who's your lawyer?"
More funny Fran Lebowitz quotes
Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.
More funny Fran Lebowitz quotes
I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible...and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.
More funny Victor Borge quotesThese family quotes really capture the essence of what a family really is. When something is wrong with a family member it can do two things to us; either bring us closer together or tear us apart and the latter happens to relatives not families.

Any two people sharing a common blood line can call themselves relatives but only when our lives are turned upside down can we truly see if we are a part of a family.

"I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich."
--Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford, "Identity Crisis," M*A*S*H

Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford really hit the nail on the head with this one and it can be considered one of the best family quotes ever written. As long as we have the love of a family behind us, no matter how hard things get we can still get through it.

The family is one of nature's masterpieces.
-- George Santayana, The Life of Reason

This message is true and clear, the family is one of nature's greatest masterpieces but how many of us really understand and cherish that fact. We all have our grievances with some of our family members but should that be enough to set us apart for life? It should never be.

There's an awful lot of blood around that water is thicker than. -- Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Most family quotes try to show you the good aspects of family. This quote shows you the bad side; the side that can ruin your life forever. There are many people out there who feel a lot closer to their friends than they do to the members of their own family; most of the time they're a lot nicer to their friends too.

When water runs thicker than the bond you have with your family, every effort should be made to restore that relationship. The longer you wait to jump start the relationship the harder it is going to be.

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.
-- Author Unknown

Here is a funny family quote; this one really can put a smile on your face. Think about all the crazy things someone in your family has done to you or some of the things you may have done to them. There is a "nut case" in each family; hopefully your family doesn't think that it is you :)

Let’s read some more interesting quotes about the family and see what else we can learn. You will find links to even more quotes pertaining to different categories of people in your family at the end of this page so stay tuned.