Family Guy Funny Quotes

Family Guy Funny Quotes Definition

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Life is one thing that every creature on the planet has in common, but the meaning and understanding of life varies widely from person to person. Life has been described as short, sweet, dreamlike, transient and by many other definitions. We have a collection of the best life quotes and sayings from many perspectives from loving life and living it to its fullest to complaints and critiques of life.

Life can be appreciated and understood in many ways, including our famous life quotes and inspirational life quotes. We have funny sayings, cute love life quotes, funny, sad & happy life quotes and inspirational life quotes. Whether you are looking for live life quotes to remind someone in your life to live each day to its fullest or cute quotes about love and the importance of love to life, browse our lists of quotes to find what you want to say about this amazing journey we call life.

We have famous life quotes that have been repeated throughout human history and quotes about life from political and spiritual leaders, comedians, writers and some from unknown sources. We hope you find the inspirational life quotes and funny, sad & happy life quotes to help the people in your life increase their understanding and appreciation of their lives.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
-- Fred Allen, Treadmill to Oblivion

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
-- Milton Berle

A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.
-- Hermione Gingold

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
-- Bill Cosby

An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
-- Author Unknown

Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
-- Jo Brand

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

Be like a duck, my mother used to tell me. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath.
-- Michael Caine

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-- Author Unknown

Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
-- David Sarnoff

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
-- Bob Hope

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
-- Emo Philips

I was feeling very irritable. It was that difficult time of the month when the credit card statement arrives.

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
-- Ann Landers

I'm a godmother. That's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short. That's cute - I taught her that.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
-- Author Unknown

Most conversation are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.
-- Margaret Millar

My doctor is wonderful. Once when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
-- Joey Bishop

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ.
-- Bill Cosby

My husband says I feed him like a god; every meal is a burnt offering.
-- Rhonda Hansome

No one can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
-- Tallulah Bankhead

People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.
-- Jack Dee

Some people pay a compliment as if they expect a receipt.
-- Kin Hubbard

The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.
-- Jackie Collins

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
-- Isaac Asimov

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.
-- Jean Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.very funny quotes from Family Guy
"Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually."
- Peter in Family Guy, Loaded Weapons
"I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it."
"Butter's in the fridge!"
- Peter and Quagmire in Family Guy, Viewer mail #1
"Good, I don't have to cook."
"Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty."
- Lois and Peter in From Method to Madness
"Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?"
"The same thing that always happens, she was an idiot."
- Peter and Brian in Brian Wallows and Peter Swallows
"By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins."
- Stewie in A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
"For me? Please?"
"All right, all right, but you owe me. Later, under the mistletoe, open mouth, no matter how drunk I am."
- Lois and Peter in A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
"You don't have to quit the force. I mean, you could get a desk job. Eh? You could be a desk."
- Peter in Ready, Willing and Disabled
"What's a library, dad?"
"Oh, it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM."
- Chris and Peter in Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?
"I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!"
"Good lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?"
- Robber and Stewie in To Live and Die in Dixie
"Are you gonna miss me?"
"Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler."
- Lois and Peter in A Fish Out of Water
"Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?"
"Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes."
- Brian and Peter in A Fish Out of Water
"Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside."
- Stewie in The Kiss Seen Around the World
"I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about."
- Peter in Lethal Weapons
"Everybody! Guess what I am?"
"Hmm, the end result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?"
- Meg and Stewie in And the Wiener is
"Here's to our wives! They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining, but, um ... y'know, I don't know where I'm going with this, but thanks anyway."
- Peter in One if by Clam, Two if by Sea
"Dad, what's the blow-hole for?"
"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."
- Chris and Peter in Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington.......