Best Funny Quotes

Best Funny Quotes Definition

Source(google.com.pk)
Quotes for training, personal development, and inspiration. Quotes provide helpful references and inspirational examples for business and life.
These quotes below here are mainly funny as well as inspirational and motivational.
Now moved to its own page, see the more serious collection of inspirational and motivational quotes for leadership, training, personal visualization, etc.
Below remain some other famous quotes, funny maxims and sayings, also love quotes for writing and speeches, fun and amusement.
Here are training cliches, maxims and sayings.
Many of the quotations here are good training aids. Quotes help convey complex issues, and can be very memorable and attitude-changing.
Some quotes are deep and meaningful; others deeply amusing, like the alleged quotes from letters to the council.
While sources are checked and clarified wherever possible, authenticity for all quotes cannot be guaranteed - these quotes are not meant to be a historical archive, they're here because they are motivational, inspirational, amusing or otherwise helpful for teachers, learners, leaders and communicators.
If you know the source of any of the unattributed quotes or sayings here please let me know so that acknowledgement can be given.
Inspirational quotes for leadership and personal development are now here.
See also the amusing real funny insurance claims, real funny Weakest Link answers, real funny Family Fortunes answers, and stories and metaphors for training and learning.
Included in this quotes page are several principles and 'laws' which are helpful in business, management, teaching and training, for example:
Parkinson's Law
Parkinson's Triviality Law - also known as the Bikeshed Colour effect
The Peter Principle
The Pareto Principle (Pareto's Law, or the 80/20 Rule)
The 1st Law of Cybernetics (the Law of Requisite Variety)
Glass Half-Full or Half-Empty (have your say.. main collection now on the Glass Half-Full/Empty Quotes page)
Generations X, Y, Baby Boomers, etc
See the (now moved) collection of more serious inspirational and motivational quotes.
Please note that where quotations refer to 'man' or 'men' this is not intended to be discriminatory.
Send your favourite quote, funny saying, funny sign, funny graffiti, training maxims, or inspirational metaphors.
funny paternity explanations - (allegedly) from Child Support Agency (CSA) forms
These comments (allegedly) were provided by mothers on CSA forms in response to the CSA request for details of children's fathers. Aside from being variously amusing and sad their own right some of these quotes illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people can exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy.
"..I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced.."
"..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again.."
"..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?.."
"..I don't know the name of my child's father as all squaddies look the same to me, although I can confirm he was a Royal Green Jacket.."
"..I thought it was [XXX] because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child A, but since discovering he is gay I am not so sure.."
"..Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [XXX]. I am unsure about child B but I believe he was conceived on the same night.."
"..It's difficult to remember because I was drunk on holiday in Tenerife, which was months before I got properly pregnant..1. ”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

2. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” - Will Rogers. - Funny Quotes

3. “Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz. - Funny Quotes

4. ”Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

5. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” - Brian Gerald O’Driscoll. - Funny Quotes

6. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” - Oscar Wilde

7. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28). - Funny Quotes

8. “The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

9. “The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” - Albert Einstein. - Funny Quotes

10. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

11. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” - Bill McGlashen. - Funny Quotes

12. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” - Marilyn Monroe. - Funny Quotes

13. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” - Al McGuire. - Funny Quotes

14. “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain. - Funny Quotes

15. “Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

16. ”If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” - Sam Levenson. - Funny Quotes

17. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson. - Funny Quotes

18. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein. - Funny Quotes

19. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” - Will Rogers. - Funny Quotes

20. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - Steven Wright. - Funny Quotes
21. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” - Jack Handey. - Funny Quotes

22. ”Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

23. “If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” - Milton Berle. - Funny Quotes

24. “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

25. “I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

26. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” - Robert Frost. - Funny Quotes

27. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” - Zig Ziglar. - Funny Quotes

28. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” - Emo Philips. - Funny Quotes

29. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” - Bob Hope. - Funny Quotes

30. “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.’” - The Maugles. - Funny Quotes

31. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” - Isaac Asimov. - Funny Quotes

32. “Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” - Barbra Streisand. - Funny Quotes

33. “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” - Harry S. Truman. - Funny Quotes

34. “We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

35. “If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

36. “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” - Jack Nicholson. - Funny Quotes

37. “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” - Woody Allen. - Funny Quotes

38. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

39. “Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

40. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” - Wilson Mizner. - Funny Quotes
41. “Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.’” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

42. “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

43. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” - Emo Philips. - Funny Quotes

44. “Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

45. “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

46. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” - Oscar Wilde. - Funny Quotes

47. “Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes

48. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.” - Ashleigh Brilliant. - Funny Quotes

49. “I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” - Axel Rose. - Funny Quotes

50. “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.” - Unknown. - Funny Quotes