Funny Jokes And Quotes

Funny Jokes And Quotes Definition

Source(google.com.pk)
I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.
Marilyn Monroe
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Dolly Parton
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers
Go
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.
Robert Frost
In black neighborhoods, everybody appreciated comedy about real life. In the white community, fantasy was funnier. I started looking for the jokes that were equally hilarious across the board, for totally different reasons.
Will Smith
Tommy Lee Jones is hilarious. I would say, if you look at the body of his work, the character he is most like is the one in 'The Fugitive.' That's how he talks and jokes. That is the type of energy he has.
Will Smith All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.
Ron White
A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
George Eliot
I enjoy jokes, smiling, and making people smile. I may be a little different, but that's OK, who wants to be normal anyway?
Tim Duncan
Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
George Eliot
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
David Ogilvy
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.
Ludwig Wittgenstein
Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.
Washington Irving
It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes.
Thomas Aquinas
I'm sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.
Alice Walker I love life in spite of all that mars it. I love friendship, jokes and laughter.
Tahar Ben Jelloun
For every ten jokes you acquire a hundred enemies.
Laurence Sterne A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes.
Zac Efron
Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.
Frank Muir
I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.
Rita Rudner
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
Emo Philips
Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.
Robert Collier
A blonde wanted to take up a new hobby so decided to take up ice fishing. She got all of the equipment and set off to start her new hobby. She found a piece of ice and cut a small circular hole in it. On went the maggot on then end of her fishing rod and in went the rod into the water. Minutes later a voice came from above which said "there are no fish under the ice!" Confused she moved futher down the patch of ice that she had found. Once again, she cut a small circular hole in to the ice and in went her rod. Once again a booming voice made her jump. "there are no fish under the ice!" Confused she stuttered "God, God is that you?" "No this is not God, this is the manager of the ice rink!"

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and, of course, the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another woman walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, 'Can't you see I'm winning?'

The blonde reported for her University final examination, which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead... " I was just running through that song -' Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "

All that's left of your Olympic fever is a dry hacking cough
You imagine your hands around the throat of that Coke-drinking polar bear
You say, "Oh good, 'Hangin' with Mr. Cooper' is on tonight"
Whenever the Olympic theme music ends you find you've put another fork into the back of your hand
You're NBC President Warren Littlefield
You decide against naming your baby girl Picabo
Your name is Bonnie Blair and you've starting using your five gold medals as coasters
Actually watched "The Jackson Family Honors"
You beg your son to let you return to Indiana
(Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show)
No longer laugh at the name Gillooly.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F- you!".Then he turned to his bride and said, "F- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over$32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Finally the funny part:
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man...Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy; for everything else there's MASTERCARD!!!