Funny Quotes For Kids

Funny Quotes For Kids Definition

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We all know that there a lot of funny movie quotes out there but with so many things going on in our lives nowadays it's hard to remember them and we forget what's funny let alone the quotes from the movie.
To help you along on this little expedition of merriment and amusement I have put together for you a random collection of the the funniest movie quotes I could find and if you don't have the time to watch the entire film, well, these quotes are the next best thing. If nothing else, they are a little taster of what kind of comedy you'll find within that movie.
Hopefully somewhere in these quotes will be something to put a smile on your face, but remember don't take these jokes too seriously!
Domingo: Are you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.
Tom Hanson: If them boys is cops, I'm DEA.
[Schmidt does a fake laugh]
Schmidt: I know! Right? I know! It's hilarious.
[Schmidt stops laughing]
Schmidt: So why don't you show us a little respect?
Domingo: Fuck you, pig!
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo: You want to beat my dick off?
Jenko: I'll beat your dick off with both hands. What's up? Let's go.
One-Percenter #1: That's weird, man!
Schmidt: I think what he was trying to say was, he's gonna punch you so many times round the genital area that...that your dick's just gonna fall off.
[at the check out counter a register woman swipes their items]
Register Woman: Guns. Mask. You sure you all don't wanna grab some condoms?
Nick: No. Why?
Register Woman: Because this is usually what men buy before they rape someone.
Chet: Oh, we're not rapists! Us two, small fries? No way.
[she gives them a cold unbelieving look]
Register Woman: Is it gonna be cash or credit for your rape kit?
[Chet put a box of hamburger slider kit on the counter]
Chet: Hey, is a slider station in a rape kit? Cause we're gettin' one of those too.
Nick: We'll pay cash.
Chet: Not into rape, just into sliders.
Mooj: Hey Andy, don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet. You, uh, what are you, 25?
Andy Stitzer: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit, man, you got to get on that!
Kyle: You're gonna be fine.
Adam: Yeah.
Kyle: You're gonna be fine. Fifty fifty! If you were a casino game, you'd have the best odds.
Adam: Yeah. Thanks.
Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
Here's a selection of what I think are some of the best Christmas quotes. I hope you like them too!
Obviously "best" is a matter of personal preference, but maybe you'll have similar taste to me. Personally, I like quotes that are funny or give you the warm fuzzies, but are not overbearingly sentimental.
What are your favourite Christmas quotes? If you have one that you think deserves to be a place in my list of the "World's Best Christmas Quotes", then let me know!
When I made this list, I had Christmas card writing in mind. So, most of the quotes are perfect as Christmas card quotes that you can write alongside your personal message in your Christmas cards.
Funny Christmas Quotes
I hope that these funny Christmas sayings and humorous Christmas quotes bring a smile to your face like they did to mine!
By the way, I've deliberately left out quotes that I found too cynical. There are some very funny Christmas card sayings out there that on second thoughts reveal a dim view of human nature. Funny as they might be, they didn't make it onto my best Christmas quotes list. You might call this the optimists-only list :-)
Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
Do give books - religious or otherwise - for Christmas. They're never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal."
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?
My favourite cute Christmas quotes to make you feel warm inside :-) Mostly they're short enough to work well as Christmas card quotes.
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.
Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles.
From home to home, and heart to heart, from one place to another. The warmth and joy of Christmas, brings us closer to each other.
Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don't quite know how to put our love into words.
When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness."
May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace,The gladness of Christmas give you hope,The warmth of Christmas grant you love.
Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect."
To the American People: Christmas is not a time or a season but a state of mind. To cherish peace and good will, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. If we think on these things, there will be born in us a Savior and over us will shine a star sending its gleam of hope to the world."
~Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933), American president.
Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas."
May Peace be your gift at Christmas and your blessing all year through!
Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts.
Heap on the wood!-the wind is chill;
But let it whistle as it will,
We'll keep our Christmas merry still.
I love the Christmas-tide, and yet,
I notice this, each year I live;
I always like the gifts I get,
But how I love the gifts I give!
A Christmas candle is a lovely thing;It makes no noise at all,But softly gives itself away;While quite unselfish,
There are many kinds of quotes. If you need to funny quotes for Christmas. Then here we are providing you the best funny Christmas quotes and statuses that you can send to your dear once.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.
You know you've grown up when none of the things you want for Christmas can be bought at a store.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.
I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.
A brilliant seasonal selection of Funny Christmas quotes and Funny Christmas Sayings to give you some Holiday cheer this year! If you're searching for greetings for your Facebook page, for Christmas cards and seasonal scrapbooks, here's some great and funny jokes, quotes and sayings you can use for some Holiday fun.
If you know someone else who could do with some Christmas cheer then pass this Funny Christmas Quotations page along. I love to read funny web pages when I need cheering up.
Be sure to bookmark (CTRL and D) this Funny Christmas Quotes page because I do keep this updated on an ongoing basis. And if you have any great Xmas Quotes to share, please do in the Comments section near the end of the article.
"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered."
~ Supplied by Helene-Malmsio
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
~ Bernard Manning
"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." ~ Author Unknown
"Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas."
~ Kin Hubbard
"Do they still make wooden Christmas Trees?"
~ Charles Schulz
"The price of Christmas toys is outrageous -- a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch."
~ Johnny Carson