The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
-Joe E. Lewis
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
We'll love you just the way you are, if you're perfect.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year
Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
As a matter of fact is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.
-Laurence J. Peter
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
-David Lee Roth
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
-Charles M. Schulz
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.