-Bill Vaughan
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
-Joe E. Lewis
-Mitch Hedberg
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
-Jay London
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres
-Robert Orben
We'll love you just the way you are, if you're perfect.
-Alanis Morissette
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-Albert Einstein
-Robert Byrne
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
-Will Rogers
-Mel Brooks
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
-Woody Allen
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
-Ronald Reagan
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
-Samuel Butler
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
-Jay London
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
-Groucho Marx
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-Winston Churchhill
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
-Janeane Garafalo
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
-Jack Handey
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
-Sam Levenson
-George Burns
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans
-John Lennon
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.
-Tommy Cooper
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
-Benny Hill
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year
-Victor Borge
Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
-Jack Handey
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
-Ronald Reagan
As a matter of fact is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.
-Laurence J. Peter
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
-Alfred Hitchcock
Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
-Will Rogers
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
-Jay Leno
If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.
-Elbert Hubbard
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
-George Burns
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
-Mae West
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
-David Lee Roth
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
-Robert Orben
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
-Norman Wisdom
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
-Emo Philips
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
-Woody Allen
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
-Johnny Carson
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
-Woody Allen
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
-Arnold Schwarzenegger
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
-Rodney DangerField
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
-Charles M. Schulz
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler
Title: Most Funny Quotes
Rating: 100% based on 99998 ratings.
237 User Online. 1500 user reviews.
Rating: 100% based on 99998 ratings.
237 User Online. 1500 user reviews.