Most Funny Quotes

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
-Bill Vaughan

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
-Joe E. Lewis
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
-Mitch Hedberg

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
-Jay London

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres
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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
-Robert Orben

We'll love you just the way you are, if you're perfect.
-Alanis Morissette

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-Albert Einstein
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Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
-Robert Byrne

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
-Will Rogers
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If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
-Mel Brooks

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
-Woody Allen

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
-Ronald Reagan

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
-Samuel Butler

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
-Jay London

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
-Groucho Marx

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-Winston Churchhill

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
-Janeane Garafalo

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
-Jack Handey

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
-Sam Levenson
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I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
-George Burns

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans
-John Lennon

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.
-Tommy Cooper

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
-Benny Hill

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year
-Victor Borge

Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
-Jack Handey

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
-Ronald Reagan

As a matter of fact is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.
-Laurence J. Peter

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
-Alfred Hitchcock

Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
-Will Rogers

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
-Jay Leno

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.
-Elbert Hubbard

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
-George Burns

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
-Mae West

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
-David Lee Roth

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
-Robert Orben

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
-Norman Wisdom

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
-Emo Philips

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
-Woody Allen

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
-Johnny Carson

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
-Woody Allen

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
-Arnold Schwarzenegger

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
-Rodney DangerField

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
-Charles M. Schulz

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler
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